I feel like each semester I decide it was the most tolling one I've gone through but I can honestly say that this semester was.
I struggled in so many different ways, I'm not even entirely sure how I made it through it but I did and I'm so grateful that it is over.
I wanted to offer this blog post up to other people who might be going through something similar to me in the coming years or even right now.
I am a student, a student worker, a student leader, a filmmaker, a friend, a daughter, and sometimes I forget one of the things that I am, a person.
I am constantly under the pressure of being held to a higher standard due to positions I hold in terms of going the extra mile in all that is required of me as well as what's not. I've never been your average person and I never wanted to be - until recently.
This semester started off like it usually does, I was bright-eyed and excited for the semester! It being my last semester before becoming a senior I was ready to dedicate to creation, learning more about myself, nurturing my relationships and building an unbreakable network. The added bonus of the start of the semester was that my, then, girlfriend was there with me and that allowed me to feel less of the weight of the stress that I was already feeling.
The semester hit me hard.
Junior year in Film and Media Production, a Creative Fellow, and President of the ASU Film Association was heavy. I had to manage my homework assignments, plan events, and maintain/manage an entire group of people. Of course everything started off picture perfect but as life always proves, things don't typically go as planned - sometimes better, sometimes worse, sometimes both.
October is when I believe things began going North, South, East, and West all at once. Classes were full fledge. I was spending every moment of the day in class, in a meeting, or doing homework without much time for socialization, sleeping, or eating. I was also writing/planning for film and editing projects that I had to complete by the end of the semester. I was spending more time each day doing things than there was actual time in each day. At least that's what it felt like. I had no time or money for anything extra - but of course there was more.
Remember how I said I'm expected to do things. Yeah, in late October an event called the Filmmaker Forum surfaced and I really wanted to attend however I didn't have the money to go and I also had planned to complete an art project I had been working on that weekend unsure of what other chance I would get to complete this project. I decided not to go... UNTIL attendees were offered help with attending. I rescheduled my art project and decided to attend and was then offered another opportunity right after that weekend which I accepted even though it would mean missing classes.
Stressed, swamped, and now behind on classes the only person I felt like I could really talk to was my, then, girlfriend.
We were having issues. Rooting from the simple fact that we were doing long-distance and weren't sure when we'd see each other again. That caused a lot of stress for both us leading up to make choices that we both weren't very sure about.
We broke up - and decided to be friends. Which got me through a lot of the stress that I was going through but also brought on new stresses (loneliness and jealousy). After about two weeks and a lot of arguments, she decided she didn't want to speak anymore which is probably the best thing for both of us but hurt the most. Adding to that, she already has a new girlfriend and it has only been almost a month since we parted.
Backing up a bit, our break up opened up a few doors for me. 1. The ability to experience college a little more completely (going out with friends during the times we would typically speak which allowed me to meet more people and nurture relationships that I already had) and 2. The opportunity to reintroduce myself to myself, recenter, and re-evaluate what I want from life.
Within the past month, I've cried more than I ever have but also partied, laughed, and learned more than I ever have.
I think that the past few months have been revelatory for me and I appreciate all of these experiences because I felt as if I hit rock bottom so that means there's no direction to go but up.
2018 will be my year of rebuilding, creating, and happiness. 2018 will be me ruthlessly finding myself and achieving my goals. A year of gratitude. A year of reflection and meditation. A year of building relationships. A year of productivity. A year of love. A year of fortune. A year of CREATION. Creating myself. Creating my art. Creating a path for the rest of my life. I am excited. I am moved. I am inspired. I am ready.
In 2018, I will allow myself to take breaks. I will allow myself to say no. I will allow myself to walk away from toxicity in all parts of my life.
Until then, I will be reorganizing and preparing myself for this change within me - writing, reflecting, organizing, cleaning up my eating habits, and planning.
Thank you, 2017 for all of your lessons.
2018, I am excited to meet you.
Each day we get on average 23 hours, 53 minutes, and 4 seconds to make it something we're proud of.